Sometimes you just don't get to know why ...

Sitting here, again, with myself ... I am reminded that no matter what my friends or family say, or what others that came before me said, ultimately I am my own authority. I have all the answers I need, everything that is required to move forward, and so much more.

It all exists within.

If I were playing the 'What If' game, I would say:

What if everything is exactly where it is supposed to be?

What if there is nothing 'wrong'?

What if there is so much more than I can see and something wonderful is right around the corner?

What if I have everything I need NOW?

What if I don't have to know every 'why' for everything in my life?

What if I am ok, here .... now?

I don't feel any of these things right now but today I will play the 'What If' game until I do.

Everything's a paradox

One of my closest coworkers told me of how her parents are losing their house ... this weekend. She is in disarray since she is doing fine but not fine enough to help them out of this challenge. She used her holiday bonus to buy a new computer (exactly like me, actually) and immediately took it back the day she got it which also happened to be the day she found out. They have been keeping it from her for reasons she can't understand.

A very close family friend of my employers lost their 17 year old son to unknown causes over the holidays. They are coping ... barely.

My coworker's best friend had her brother kidnapped in Sudan. The terrorists (who know nothing but think anyone who is white has money) demand 5 million dollars for his release. His family doesn't have the money and wait for the call every day to see if he will be released ... or worse-

My friend lost her childhood house, watched her parents divorce, and lost her dog to an accident- all in the same 3 months.

It seems I have always been surrounded by people in transitions and extreme situations. Very rarely does it actually happen to me and yet it is constantly happening in my world.
Something gets activated inside of me when I am told these stories. The part of me that knows there is a reason and that everyone WILL prevail shows up. My faith glows stronger and my heart opens wider.

This is the first day I am back in my own space, driving my own car, with only my things surrounding me. Although I like being on hiatus from my life, sleeping in 1000 count cotton sheets, driving luxury cars, and walking around on floors that are probably cleaner than my kitchen counter ... I love my life. I love my older vehicle, my soft; old-school water bed, my small apartment, and my furry cat.
I love being on hiatus from my life but even more than that, I love coming back to it.

A friend wrote this today:

'Love has no desire but to fulfill itself. To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.' ♥ Kahlil Gibran

I wrote it down and stuck it right in front of my computer. I want to look at it everyday and remind myself that NO MATTER WHAT I will remain open. I will trust and risk and share myself every day ... even if it hurts. That's my choice and I will do it.

It's been awhile that I have been disconnected from many of my lifetime relationships. I miss my people and every time I realize this fact I see that I am the one who can make the decision to change it. I acknowledge that it only takes one step to head in a different direction. And yet, as I sit in this solitariness, I will not call one soul or send one email.
And so I am back at this eternal inner battle where I want to be connected to all of my people all the time but I also want this alone time, need it even ...
Maybe there is no answer. Maybe there is nothing wrong with me and I am exactly where I need to be. Maybe everything is going to be all right and I am doing the perfect things at the perfect moment ... just maybe-

Writing, Friends, and Hearts

Oh how I've missed writing here ... the feel of the keys sliding under my fingers ... knowing absolutely anything can come out ... waiting to see what else sits inside of me.

This, my second day living at work with 5 jetlagged kids and 4 dogs, brings me a comfort and fatigue that I don't seem to get anywhere else. I am not a mother and I have no current plans to be one but I have the satisfaction of knowing that today my presence has affected some kids in a way that I hope they take out into the world.
I can't describe how or why it feels so good to live at and for work in these short bursts of time where I almost completely forget that I have a life and almost entirely about me .... it is so calming and fulfilling.

My writing seemed to have subsided right around the last time I actually started to open my heart. It was not just to one person but two at almost exactly the same time. I disregarded all personal space and allowed two different people to completely inundate my life ... my world ... my apartment.
Emotional Challenge- something I usually shy away from. I delved in. It may be that I am once again alone, with a new apartment, a different version of myself, and much more insight than I started with. I don't consider any of it a failure. I opened my heart. And although both people I freely let in are now entirely gone, I don't regret one moment of it. I have had three very close people comment on the fact that I actually opened my heart to a boy ... I had no idea that it was so evident to an outsider but that has not been my MO for boy situations for some years now ... but I may be cured.

More than a couple of times in the last few months I have thought to myself, why not? Why not fully open your heart at every single opportunity? Why not delve into the emotional unknown to see what we are really made of? And although I might land on my face, I will be all the better for it.

Thank you All That Is for this Heart; I will use it to it's fullest potential and treat it with the highest respect. I will show it to everyone I meet and let them see for themselves how amazing it really is. I will own it, care for it, and Love it as if it were another's. I will not take it for granted and I will ask others to celebrate having a heart with me. Thank you.

Shifting

"My need to be alone is balanced against my fear of what will happen when suddenly I enter the huge empty silence if I cannot find support there. I go up to Heaven and down to Hell in an hour, and keep alive only by imposing upon myself inexorable routines...It may be outwardly silent here but in the back of my mind is a clamor of human voices, too many needs, hopes and fear. I hardly ever sit still without being haunted by the "undone"..."

May Sarton is one of my favorite authors. Not only because she mentions the aspect of going up to heaven and down to hell in the same breath but also because she was a master of solitude. I especially relate to the last part of what she says above and every time I let myself be swept away by many festivals or any particular one human, it is always slightly daunting to look towards the solitude and wonder if I still have a foundation there. Although I have made it my life's work to create a solid home within myself where only I exist and all of my needs and desires are taken care of by me, I find that it has always changed a bit after I go away to visit the world of companionship and then find my way back.

Just when I think I am certain about something in the Universe, the Universe proves me wrong. This aspect of my humanness forces me to stay in the present and fully appreciate what is occurring in this now.

This morning I feel like the Tool song that talks about 'no fault, none to blame, it doesn't mean I don't desire to blame the other, point the finger, let the temple topple over' The fog of the magical fearytale world I felt like I've been living in for the past week has cleared and the words that keep coming into my consciousness sound like an echoing 'temporary insanity'.

Being a Libra and having a personality that wants everything to be fair and forthright, my ability to see both sides is maddening right now. There's nothing to do when two people are right and valid ... except wait.

Ani DiFranco say, 'One of the things I've learned all these years on my own, is how to find my own way home.'
I feel this so intensely today. For this, I am greatful.

Unfamiliar Territory

I feel like this Osho card: Thunderbolt.  Everything is crashing down and being destroyed while the zen figure in the background watches everything.  The idea behind this card is that being shaken up and broken down makes room to rebuild something new.  The calm figure in the background knows this and watches with pleasure as the unnecessaries fall to the ground.

In the last week I have existed in an extremely uncomfortable space.  I feel out of control, powerless, and like my usual tactics of stepping back from a situation are absolutely useless.

I got a glimpse of it.  For a split second I understood why people go crazy for reasons that have nothing to do with logic.  I saw how whole civilizations were created, destroyed, or affected by this thing.  I still don't understand any of it.  I haven't even stepped inside; I have only sensed slight stirrings of it in the air that passes me by.  But even so, I finally get it.  I get why all 3 of my brothers will not hesitate to open their hearts, no matter how many times they have been ripped out.  I get why people have sacrificed jobs, family, and positions of power to follow this thing.

This thing .....

Right now all I can see is it's silhouette.  I can't see what it is, I can only see what space it takes up and the magnitude of it's intensity.  I can see how it's hovering around me, taunting me with it's alluring and risky promises.  I am aware that it's a place I've never really been in this lifetime and that if it's my time to go there now, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I'm not used to this place.  I have no control over what's happening inside of me.  All attempts at holding back how I am feeling are futile.  None of my logical and self-preserving tactics have any affect whatsoever.

I've been driving a lot lately.  It's one of the only things I can do right now that makes me feel in control.  This surrendering thing is so unfamiliar to me that it almost feels like I'm on another planet.

What compounds all of this is that the out-of-control-instigator magically knows what to do in any given freak out moment of mine.  It's like there is a psychic language happening between some part of me and some part of him and he has an affect over me that demands that I show up, not matter how I'm feeing about it.

Independence has been one of the main themes of my lifetime.  It has always come easy and every time I have slipped into interdependence, I have always strived to get back to that autonomous place.  Even so, I can feel myself being affected by something that is outside of me.  It feels like it's outside of me and at the same time, it is everything I am.

So now, I give up.  I give up control.  I give up fighting.  I'm learning to live inside of the discomfort and unfamiliarity.  I surrender into whatever is to come and whether that destroys me or exalts me, it matters not for this is me letting it be.

The darkness~

Every morning for a week I have been waking up to the Tool tracks whose lyrics I am posting below. I will do this every day until the anger is gone .....

Then healing can happen-

the grudge The Grudge

Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.
Desperate to control all and everything.
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.
Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Terrified of being wrong. Ultimatum prison cell.

Saturn ascends, choose one or ten. Hang on or be humbled again.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.
Saturn ascends, comes round again.
Saturn ascends, the one, the ten. Ignorant to the damage done.

Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.
Desperate to control all and everything.
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.

Wear the grudge like a crown. Desperate to control.
Unable to forgive. And we're sinking deeper.

Defining, confining, controlling, and we're sinking deeper.

Saturn comes back around to show you everything
Let's you choose what you will not see and then
Drags you down like a stone or lifts you up again
Spits you out like a child, light and innocent.

Saturn comes back around. Lifts you up like a child or
Drags you down like a stone
To consume you till you choose to let this go.

Give away the stone.
Let the oceans take and transmutate this cold and fated anchor.
Give away the stone.
Let the waters kiss and transmutate these leaden grudges into gold.
Let go.

chism Schism

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering. Fundamental differing.
Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication
The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication.

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame it doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication

The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,
And the circling is worth it.
Finding beauty in the dissonance.

There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away.
Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication.

Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any
Sense of compassion
Between supposed lovers/brothers

Independence?

Today is July 4th.

It's a big deal pretty much everywhere I turn.

I'm not feelin it.

I'm now on my 4th day of no sugar (hehe July 4th/4th dayofnosugar) and in the middle of a 100 day gong and a mild herbal cleanse. Needless to say, I have a lot going on inside of me. I'm feeling a little too vulnerable, a little too unstable, and the urge to clear my space, inside and out is now at the forefront of my consciousness.

I'm not excited about the constant flow of summer festivals, the relentless LA opportunities to go out dancing, or getting together with 500 other people to celebrate something or other. I'm feeling like I need to connect with my closest people one by one so I can take them in my embrace, look them in the eyes, and remember what is at the core of our connection.

Detoxing is always a strange and interesting thing. The unhealthy things inside of me are flowing out and through and I can distinguish what is really me and what isn't. This is physically and emotionally. I see my emotional patterns that have kept me in my own prison and sometimes I see why I have created them. There isn't a lot of judgment hanging around the edges since almost all dysfunction is some form of self-preservation and I am learning not to take my stuff personally.

The thing I have been noticing the most about the role that sugar has played in my life is the very convenient avenue to escapism. This makes me wonder what I'm trying to escape from? It also begs the question: What could be a healthy and beneficial path to escapism that could work for me NOW?

Going on top of a mountain has worked in the past. So has taking random, unplanned, leave-in-the-middle-of-the-night roadtrips that were a staple of my childhood. But today I may stay home, bypass all the crowds, and celebrate my own independence from sugar, crutches, and anything outside of me that I may have let determine my caliber of experience thus far.

Amen.